Steve Jobs get away with absolute nonsense, then dies

Steve Jobs gets away with absolute nonsense, then dies

By J.R. Kuwanski

Experts around the world have been dumbfounded that seemingly good IT design and dying gives you a licence to talk absolute bollocks. Following the death of Apple creator, Steve Jobs, linguistics experts have been left in a state of shock when they observed supposedly non-retarded journalists and ‘friends’ frothing over a speech that’s conclusion was something you’d expect from a 15 year old girl’s twitter account, or Peter Andre’s Facebook update.

In 2005, Steve Jobs, who was wearing sneakers at the time, went to Stanford to deliver a commencement speech. After articulating what appeared to be a string of coherent and reasonable thoughts, that had some bearing to reality, Mr ‘Sneaker’ Jobs opened his mouth and human excrement flowed out. Further shock ensued when the audience also opened their mouths and swallowed the buckets of faecal matter in their entirety. The verbal sewage that flowed from Jobs’s mouth was was:

“I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”

Professor of Linguistic and Bullshit Studies at the London School of Economics, Roger Mayweather, explained the phenomenon: “We’ve seen this happen before. People that are usually sane and mentally well-adjusted, lose their sensibilities in a moment of primitive adulation. Even usually reasonable people in a cult environment will happily believe complete lies. Put simply, when people froth real hard, they lose their shit”.

Colleague and fellow academic, Professor of Mathematics, Roy Austin, added: “We’ve run the numbers, and it’s patently obvious that Steve Jobs is lying through his sneaker-wearing teeth. There is no way he lived every day of his life, or even 5% of the days of his life, as if they were his last. If that were the case he would’ve been found dead, covered in maple syrup, high-grade cocaine and sticky pictures of Shania Twain by the time he was 23. Statistics clearly show that there is no way in f**k that he woke up, looked in the mirror, told himself he would live that day as if it were his last, and then settled into a 12 hour set of coding, just no f*cking way.”

The situation was explained further following an interview with a member of the audience on that fateful Commencement day. Phd student, Ivan Hipsteranovitch, said: “Apple and Steve Jobs have changed my life. I’m unemployed and in thousands of pounds of debt but my Mac keeps me warm at night. I’m gonna continue to grow a beard, and follow my dream of creating the best interactive vintage clothing website ever. And not just vintage clothing; vintage telephones and board games and furniture. I won’t stop until I’ve raped and bastardised every subculture that has ever existed before me and replaced it with faux-cool, well-designed fonts and hollow pretence – and I couldn’t do it without Steve Jobs. Thank you, thank you so so much.”


About jrkuwanski

Born of an Inca tribe in Peru, J.R. was raised by silver-tailed wolves in the Amazon rainforest. At age 7, J.R. departed on a treacherous journey to the Nepalese Himalayas and, following a lengthy debate with the Dalai Lama about the merits predictive texting, moved to Brooklyn, New York. For the following decade the writer learned the street poetry of 'the corner', becoming a familiar face on brownstone stoops, housing project courtyards and anywhere where a good salad dressing was sold. At age 17, when riding home from a 12 hour bowling marathon with his friends Mr Def and Mr Tip, J.R. was greeted by a Sri Lankan wizard who was wearing a bright purple velour tracksuit. The ghetto preacher told him he was destined for great things, ranging from baking one hell of a pumpkin pie to Nobel Economic accolades. Another fate was to craft the world's best blog, writing on topics of social and political commentary in a style of creative non-fiction. And the wizard promised him if he tried hard enough, really tried, one day, someone, somewhere may consider publishing his work.
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